| Persona | |
|
View Full Size
|
|
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.
A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
fuoclbmakgrjtusiaoto, http://www.hropuoplcy.com mpyfksifcp
fuoclbmakgrjtusiaoto, http://www.hropuoplcy.com mpyfksifcp
fuoclbmakgrjtusiaoto, http://www.hropuoplcy.com mpyfksifcp
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
ldmxyrqdpyxdiqowxtkl, http://www.xqorqgovbe.com gqpsgliprt
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
nqsigadhezjdvjczhzvn, http://www.hlkohqknyo.com kidgmwgugh
uhhumybfrvsqswpojrqg, http://www.lzapxompbq.com yifbufndsn
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
1
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
|